Usual disclaimer: Not a push. I won't type out the disclaimer anymore, I'll just move forward believing that you trust me and knowing that I love you and you love me.
I'm usually pretty good at communicating things in my style. I am, however, always good at recognizing when someone has said something better than I am capable of, and 100% stealing their words.
I've said many times that I'm not hear to fix you (you aren't broken) or save you (even if we assume you need saving, I can't save you - only you can do that). I am here to love you and be there for you in whatever way you need and desire me to be in.
Well, it turns out that a lady on IG said it far better than I can.
She's talking about what is best for people with BPD and says it is a "safe, human relationship." You obviously will define, when you're ready, what the word relationship means. Maybe it means friends, maybe it means more. You and the future will decide that. I will, however, tell you up front that I qualify as human. And I desire so very strongly that you feel safe with me. So I will steal her words, and tell you that
I want to be a human that you feel safe with, all of the time. I've already failed that goal, and we have apologized, forgiven, and are working on moving on. That doesn't mean I stop trying though, that means that I improve.
I am promising you that I will do my best to always make you feel safe and loved. And I promise that my best tomorrow will be better than my best today as I grow, learn more about how to be a safe person for you, and become a stronger person on my own.
Before you say anything, if you think about it you already know the answer. You are already this person for me. 100%. You have been for years now, and nothing has changed since I moved to Florida. Writing feels vulnerable; writing then publishing it on the internet where it could be so easily shared is scarier. Yet here I am, typing you a letter at 10:30PM on a Wednesday. I've unmasked more and more around you. I've told you things that nobody else knows about me. You've been healing me and making me a better person for a long time now, how in the world could I want to do anything else but return the favor? You've helped me in so many ways - this website has record of several of them.
I don't want to do it as a return payment, though. I want to do it because I love you and I value you for who you are. As you're very well aware (I believe this is part of who you are as a person) when you love someone you want them to have all the best of everything. Having someone you feel this type of safe with is *THE BEST* feeling and a feeling I have not felt before you. I felt happy and loved with Megan, even though I learned much later that was never really the case. But this safety? This unmasking? It is all new. At some later date, I can differentiate for you what separates them to me in my head. Megan would actively mask me herself when some of my traits poked through or my stims.
Enough of her though. Point is, I want you to feel perfectly safe when I'm around to be yourself, whatever that may look like that minute of that hour of that day. And if it means something entirely different the next hour, I want that to feel perfectly safe too.
Because you are an amazing human, and deserve nothing less than that.
Aishiteru, beautiful. I love you, kireisan. I'm here, and I am not going anywhere.