Tonight was my first night going out with Pete since all the drama of the last visit and I'm quite proud to say it went well.

I had a good time. I had a few beers. I stopped drinking when I needed to stop. I didn't say anything I regret, I didn't upset anyone. Everything went well. It seems sad saying this, but I'm proud of myself.

I behaved. I didn't say anything I regret, it was just me, Pete, Paul (his brother), and Trekky Jen I've told you about.

Pete said something rather ridiculous as always, I called him out on it immediately, and he admitted I was right about it.

Most importantly: I wish you were there. Oh, so badly I wished I was with you the whole time instead of anyone else. You make everything better, more fun, happier. Instead, I was with someone who told me I need to immediately address my history of being sexually abused because it was inconvenient for him.

I miss you. I miss my best friend. I miss my lover. I am scared of the future, because I don't know that it includes you and i so desperately want it to.

I don't blame you for anything that has happened so I hope you don't feel undue guilt about it. Things happened, the situation was premature, and there were a billion factors. Please don't feel guilty. That's part of the reason I want to have a phone conversation about everything so badly.

I also feel like I need my best friend tonight more than I have ever. It isn't your fault you aren't here for me. It's not mine either. Sometimes life is just that way. But, I still really, really need you right now.

Aishiteru, kireisan.

That will never change.